December 2017: And so, we move on.

Hi.

It's been a very long time and after all we have been through, I thought a wrap-up might be in order.

Alex and his partner moved in together last X-Mas and yesterday I helped them move into a new, better apartment. 

They got a dog, Charlie.
They travelled to London.
Alex got a job working with dogs and took a semester off.

We had been fighting Tricare for a hysterectomy based on pain for way too long. I finally had to change my tact and made a friend in the Tricare liaison office. She was pivotal in getting us into the local system. It still took almost a year to get a surgical appointment, I ended up making weekly calls to Portsmouth just to keep us on their radar. I am the proverbial "squeaky wheel" and it has always paid off.

Last month Alex finally got his full hysterectomy. He will no longer need to have "female" services and his pain is completely resolved.

Testosterone is now our new issue. He has no ovaries to compete with any longer. I think his T dosage is far too high now. He will get levels tested this month to see if his dosage can be lowered.

Medically, we are "done" (for now). His body dysmorphia is all but gone and he no longer has to endure monthly pain. Unless he decides to pursue bottom surgery, but that's a whole other ball of wax. 

This ends a journey for me. The depression, anxiety, self-harm, suicide attempts, binge eating, body dysmorphia, therapists, doctors, DBT and peer groups that I had to research and learn about in the past 5 years have changed me forever. It sometimes feels like it wasn't real, that the pain and trauma was happening to another family instead of my own. I'm completely in love with the person my son has become, how this transformation has made him compassionate, kind and empathetic. 

So, I'll end it here for now. Life moves on and I hope if you're going through some of what we went through, these words can help. Everything changes except my love for this child.

Dr. Mahoney, a rare unicorn

Our appointment with Dr. Mahoney was fairly brief.  Essentially we were touching base to let her know we are ready to move forward with scheduling.  The subject of insurance is still LOOMING over us.  It is unknown whether Tricare will cover the Davinci procedure ( which is the one we want because it has the fastest recovery time). 

Normally her office does not get pre-approvals...because...well, WOMEN. Her patients are generally women with F markers on their paperwork. So, she has devised a plan to send in the paperwork, with her recommendation for surgery to Tricare and see if they will respond in the positive or negative. Reason dictates that because they are covering Xanders office visits they SHOULD cover any treatment the doctor deems necessary. REASON dictates. Yeah, I know....I'm not holding my breath. Let me just say, the dear doctor is our unicorn. Sweet, kind,and most of all...on our side for the absolute best reason. She cares.

Targets PRIDE shirt. I ordered 2. Go order one, go on, do it now.

Have I mentioned I'm tired? Not of the before-stated fuckery, but this whole "trans bathroom" crap. I'm weary of the constant battering from neanderthal, knuckle-dragging mouth-breathers who believe my kid ( or someone like him) will abuse their kid in the bathroom. What? Oh, you would rather do that yourself at home. Don't use your kids or your old Grannie as a distractor. You don't give a shit about them, you're using them to give your bigotry some legitimacy  You didn't give bathroom violence a second thought before these bills were brought up. And now you have a platform. Let me tell you right now, if I run into one of you in or near a bathroom and you're spouting that vile shit, you had better run. I've been known to become rather "persuasive" when provoked. 

Furthermore...

 Watching self-important soccer moms stand in front of Target and cut up their RedCards makes me want to (punch these fools directly in the fucking vag.) speak harshly in a loud tone to them. Since when does anyone care if you're not going to buy your workout clothes and reasonably priced children's shoes from them? NOT TARGET! Target DOESNT care! Stupid fucking people. Oh and by the by, probably 90% of the companies you buy product from support diversity and LBGTQ rights. Do your research.

Where's a good apocalypse or the plague when you need it?

Angry Uterus Part 1

Update since my last post. Surprisingly, things have so-far turned out fairly well. The gyn's office suggested that I should call Tricare and speak with them about getting Alex on a referral to see Dr. Mahoney. I thought it was pointless, only because previously I had spent HOURS trying to convince the drones on the other end of the line that my SON needed to see a coochie doc. I always got a very stiff "NO" or "Sorry, I can't authorize that." We had resigned ourselves to self-pay.

Alex had paid the $120 out of his own pocket for the initial visit and started up a GoFundMe page to start the arduous task of getting the money together. I kept trying. I called every day for almost 2 weeks, hoping that eventually I could persuade one of the faceless Tricare "customer service" reps to see my son as a person, not a transgender criminal trying to defraud the system. And lo-and-behold, I found her. A completely DECENT human being who helped me navigate how to get this done. Honestly, I cried with relief and couldn't thank her enough.

And so, we got the referral to Dr. Mahoney. Tricare even sent Alex a check for $107 as a refund for our first visit. So, you're asking yourself, what does this mean? Well, it means that today we see Dr. Mahoney again and she (because she is on our side, meaning she understands the severity of Alex's uterine pain) will find a way to get Alex a diagnosis that indicates surgery (hysterectomy) is his best option. 

FtM Cancer Info

More to come, stay tuned.

Our GYN adventure!

I have to be reminded of some key facts sometimes.  I'm not tooting a horn here but we ARE incredible people. Him for who he has become and me, for being able to get him to his destination in one piece. We are creating the environment for his happiness. We have made about a BAJILLION mistakes, they were all valuable. And #4 should be our daily living MOTTO. The road less travelled is generally where we live. Not to say we aren't afraid, because going completely outside of most people's norms can be terrifying, but we do it anyway (gently sometimes, aggressively when warranted) So there it is, my affirmations for my mental health.....which is bordering on lunacy much of the time.

So, yesterday we had the GYN appointment with Dr. Lea Mahoney. She works out of West End Ob & Gyn in Henrico, Va.  She had been referred to us from another Trans individual (FTM-friendly GYN's are hard to find) and so we went in for a consult as self-pay ($120.00).  She was great and really put us at ease. After taking a history and hearing my sons story, she asked us what we were looking to get done.  We were straight to the point about his pain being an issue, he wants a hysterectomy. She is definitely on board and after doing an obligatory pelvic exam (Alex is NOT a fan) she suggests the Lap/Vaginal procedure.  It's about a 4-6 week scheduling wait to get into the OR. So, that pretty much wraps up the doctors end of things for now.

The office staff thinks we might be able to get Tricare to cover it.  They give me some instructions for some paperwork things to do. I'm skeptical but will try it. I'll post whenever I get around to doing those things. lol.

We will plan on self-pay until we know otherwise. I'd hate to get my hopes up.

Alex's GoFundMe Page!

Nuclear Ovaries!

Go Fund Me

My Xander.

It's been almost a year since I last posted. Crazy that it has flown by so quickly. With Xander starting college last August and working and just life in general, the internet has not seemed a priority.

Medically we have run into some roadblocks. Xander has been suffering with "cycling" pain. Even though he doesn't have a period anymore, he still "cycles" and the ovaries cause him some really tremendous pain. The release of the female hormones also destabilize him quite a bit and he becomes depressed and anxious, it's really just like PMS used to be as a girl. I took him in to be seen about it, checking to make sure there was no physiological reason for the pain. He got an ultrasound and it was normal. And yet, the pain came back. I took him back in and the PA was fantastic and we talked about oophorectomy. She put in a referral for him to be seen at the Naval Med Center ( they have surgeons) so we could discuss this further.  

The referral that I get in the mail is an outsource doctors office. I spend days speaking to different Tricare reps trying to get them to understand that we need to go to the Navy Med Center. Every one of them explains that transgender transition surgeries are NOT covered and they will not participate in any surgery to that end. It's about PAIN, not transitioning. Didn't matter how many times I said it or who I talked to...they all said the same thing. We aren't covering it.

Ok, well.....it still needs to be done. He's in pain and I am the MOM. We will get this done. 

Unfortunately, I am not able at this exact moment to be in full "MAMA bear" mode. I have huge stressors at school right now and my head in just elsewhere. Days roll by and I know he is feeling like this really important thing is being dismissed by me. I wake up the other day and, as part of my morning routine, check my Facebook on my phone. He has made a GoFundMe page. I feel like the worst mom ever.

Anyway, we are moving forward. I'm setting up an appointment with a private GYN in Richmond for a consultation. I'm not sure what this whole thing will cost but Xander is determined to pay for most of it himself.  He has picked up extra nights at WalMart ( which I don't like, keeps him out too late during the school week) but he is juggling a full time school schedule, work and having a social life. 

So that's our new adventure. I'll post as we work through the whole process.

Sia and James Cordon. Funny.

Just checking in.

How time flies when there is peace. It's been quiet. The three of us lead pretty separate lives now, only bumping in to one another at night. Mostly tired. It's different. Not bad, just monotonous.
Xander had his revision surgery on Feb 13 and it went well. No complications and he was back to school the following Monday. The scars are much less vascular and I think they will fade nicely in time. 
He will be graduating this June, which seems unreal to me, and expressed a desire to go overseas for college. I think as a compromise he will be applying to VCU, they have a study abroad program we are going to look into. 
I just wanted to check in. 

A Brand New Year

Life is such a winding road. 

Our perspective changes in an instant. What was once the center of our universe can quickly be lost amid the daily thrumming of a life lived. And so it goes.

Xander started Grade 12 at Manchester High. I began my graduate work at VCU. Joe continued to work 100 hour weeks. Gender was becoming less and less of a focus. Xander's top surgery in August had turned him into a happy, engaged kid that I no longer had to fret about. His grades are consistent A's and B's and his plans for college are in the fore-front of his brain. I'm very happy. 

Our last trip to the plastic surgeon was just before the holidays. The doctor had informed us that the scars were looking "stretched" and that he could remove them in another surgery. Xander's scars are very vascular and pronounced, the nipples had become more oval in shape as well. The doctor assures us that he can fix both issues with a much better result. We will only be responsible for the hospital costs, the doctors services are covered under our original contract. I'll let you know how much that will set us back once they mail me the estimate.

Also new for this year, our endocrinologist did not opt in for our HMO and so we lost her. I'm sad and a little upset. We had been with her from the start, now I have to explain the whole shooting match to a new person. Grrrrrrr.  

I feel like my role in all of this ( medical manager I guess) should be coming to an end soon. When Xander turns 18 next August I'm hoping he will be able to start scheduling/maintaining his own medical appointments. Part of becoming your own person is learning how to manage your own healthcare. He will probably feel like I'm jumping ship but I wouldn't be doing him any favors by micro-managing this for him. 

Lastly, this has been rolling around my head for awhile now. Xander is spoiled. I guess that would be relative to what your idea of spoiled is. In my opinion, he has been spoiled. I tried, at every turn, to give this child every opportunity and any advantage I could. At times, I definitely made things very easy for him. Once he started acting out, I dropped everything and completely focused on him. And now......the realities of LIFE, of LIVING as a productive person are staring him in the face. He needs a job but doesn't want to work at .........well, pretty much anywhere. His Dad bought him a truck that he will have put in his name on his 18th birthday....IF he has a job. I am hopeful that he will realize that this is part of life and is a necessity. Fingers crossed.

I'm definitely not complaining. My Xander has come so far. A few years ago I would have doubted he would live to make it to 17. Once he embraced his true self, he just began growing and changing to be the man he is today. I'm very lucky that I was able to help him find his way.

Xander's Replay of the Day

Amy Winehouse ~ Rehab