Social Security name change and other stuff

Social Security

Here's what we did. I brought along Xander's name change court document, drivers license and his old social security card. We found the closest SS office and got down there bright and early. TWO hours later we were seen by a very nice lady. They will change the name BUT NOT the gender. They will need a COURT ORDER for that as well. We went through with just the name change for now. Xander received his new card about 1 week later in the mail. I knew this could be an issue so I wasn't terribly surprised.

Also, as of today, we are still waiting for the hard copy of his license. 

I can't remember if I mentioned that I also dropped a copy of the court order off at his school office. They are currently in the middle of a computer systems change-over, of course, so I doubt anything will happen until I re-visit them in a couple of weeks.

COURT AGAIN

Tomorrow I am planning on going back to the Chesterfield courthouse to find out what I need to start gender change. It could be that I will need a surgeons note or a therapists letter or maybe even a postcard from the Pope. Who the hell knows?! Sorry, my irritation is showing.

Bank

We had no problem at all opening Xander his own checking and savings at Wells Fargo. He only had to show his license, which has his new name on it, so it was a breeze.

Note: Wells Fargo is one of the sponsors of PrideFest in Richmond this year!!!! Love them!

And, finally, only 5 more days until top surgery. I cried in the car today. A lot. I don't know if it's a happy or nervous or bewildered crying.....maybe all at once. I'm not fearful of the surgery itself. Really, I'm not. I guess it could be another stage of the mourning we go through. That seems so selfish. And people offering up all kinds of fucking opinions. Really? I'm just more sensitive now to opinions. That's hysterical too because I am the Queen of Not Giving A Shit what anyone thinks. Uh huh. That becomes fairly evident once you meet me. Ha! Judging me is fine, judging my kid is never even close to okay. And it hurts, even though I KNOW that people are stupid and assholes and just whatever. Anyway, that's me venting. Consider me all whined out. hehe.

Ted Leo and the Pharmacists ~ Bottled In Cork

Name Change in Chesterfield, Virginia

There are so many aspects of our lives that are affected by a name change. We don't think about it much; when we sign up for things, apply for positions, even verbally telling people.....it can become confusing when we switch to a new name. Keep that in mind and be patient with people. You may have been using your new name daily, perhaps among your family or friends but your banker, your hair dresser or even the peers at your school have not. This is new to them.

Name Change

So, we started by printing out the Name Change ( Minors) form found here. Name Change.
If you are an adult, there is an adult form on this page as well. Be aware that the Minors form requires BOTH parents to sign and those signatures MUST be notarized.

Next, we took our application to the Chesterfield County Courthouse, which is located here. COURTHOUSE. Note: Go to the Circuit Courts office, which is to the left when you walk in. You will give your application to the clerk, pay $39.00 and she will give you a receipt with a Judges name and a case number. If the court has any issue with your name change ( rare) then they will call you. Otherwise, they will send the name change in the mail within ( this is what they told me) 2 WORKING weeks. Don't count weekends or holidays or the day you drop it off. Personal experience: We waited 2 working weeks and when nothing showed up I used the case number to see what was going on on their website. It showed that the change had gone through 4 days after we dropped it off. The paperwork was never sent. Be vigilant. We drove over and picked up a copy from the same office that day.

DMV

Xander had just received his temporary paper license, which he was supposed to hold onto for 180 days. This would mean we could only change the name on his Learners permit. We took our newly acquired Court Papers to DMV. The lady at the counter was superb ( we got LUCKY!) and when we explained why Xander was doing the name change, she took his picture and cut him a new drivers license! The hard copy will come in the mail in a week. Make sure you change the gender marker to the one you prefer ( M or F). This will be important when making changes at other places.

My next venture will be social security. I'll let you know how that goes.

Pre-Op Appointment and Junk

There are so many videos circulating on Facebook these days when it comes to gender. I was going to post a few of my favorites but, honestly, they are showing up so often that people are getting tired of the repetition. I will say that Debi Jackson's video of her child's journey is awesome and worth the watch. Also the documentary, Transgeneration, about transgender college kids is a great look at the special considerations that our kids will be faced with in these situations away from home. 

This morning we went in for our Pre-Op at Zinsser Plastic Surgery. It was all pretty standard "what to expect after" stuff. Luckily I have been through a buttload of surgeries so I'm a champ at wound care. Xander is a little freaked out about the drains. It's normal. It didn't help that the nurse showed him the ENTIRE length of tubing that would be inside of his body. Scary. It looks really fucking long. I'm laughing only because I've been there and done that. The mental weirdness ( I always pictured the tube wrapping around my friggin spleen or piercing a major artery and it all comes flying out when they yank that damn thing out. Yeah, I have a very active imagination, I know) is much more debilitating than the actual pain of them pulling it out. He only has to have the drains in for the weekend. That's going to be a REALLY long weekend.

Other than that, I have to pick up supplies for the dressings and his after surgery meds. Done. Nothing else to do but wait till August 8th now!

We leave for the beach this weekend and will celebrate Xander's 17th birthday in Va. Beach. We return the week of the surgery, by which time the nerves will really start showing. I probably won't post again until after. 

Xander's Re-Play of the Day

Spoon ~ Do You?

Summer is for squares.

      Why does it not feel like summer at all? The school year ended and suddenly, it's mid-July. Our days have been filled with planning and scheduling and going to work. I guess we haven't really had much time for anything but anxiety and mindless daily living. I realized this right after I made the final appointment for Alex's FtM Top surgery. August 8th. 
The pre-op appointment is July 22nd, not leaving me a whole lot of time to get in a much-needed vacation of any kind. For my own mental health, I knew I was going to need some beach time before the surgery/recovery period. I called Joe at work and told him to take some days off, we're going to need to go to the beach from July 26th to Aug 3rd. He was reluctant but he scheduled it because he knows me, if I say I NEED the time off then it must really be important. 

I stare at my calendar and it's filled with events and plans that were made in the spring. The surgery is eclipsing everything, either time-wise or financially. I was unable to make it up to DC for the Transgender Lobby, primarily because of the sudden lack of funds. I wanted to be there and made a last ditch effort to scrape up the money but it just wasn't meant to be. Next year I will have a better plan in place.

Alex is doing well. He managed to get the $500 together pretty quickly and then told his boss he was going to have surgery ( a vague statement until the boss asked "what kind of surgery?" to which Alex pointed at his chest. He said she just smiled and said "that is very exciting." Whew. Sometimes people surprise you.) so he would have to quit. The manager told him he could take some time off, he didn't necessarily have to quit. If he wants to go back when he has healed then he will have a place. Personally, I don't think he will have the time. He failed a couple of core classes last year and his course-load will be pretty heavy this coming year. He can not afford to fail anything his senior year in order to graduate. This will not leave much time for working. Or a social life. Ha!

Alex got his drivers license last week and has since been unstoppable. He has made several trips to Richmond on his own to visit Taylor. Even with the GPS he has managed to get lost a few times. I worry but I'm also glad he is venturing out on his own. I honestly never thought this day would come.

Alex, Xander, Al ~ June 2014

Alex's Re-Play of the Day.

MAGIC! ~ Rude

Let's Make A Deal!

The decision for top surgery ( better known as Double Mastectomy) was and IS a hard one. I could list the various reasons that we are choosing to move forward with this but ultimately, everyone will have an opinion based on their own MORAL (?) compass. This child was not an accident, this child was a WANTED child. I carried and gave birth to another human, beautiful and perfect in every way. Just like any mother, I would do anything to help this child be a successful, fulfilled, happy person. 
That being said, he has been so body dysmorphic that it is getting hard for him to focus on anything else.  His therapist and I have discussed it at length and we both agree that his mental health will improve greatly the sooner we can arrange to have this done. In our house, it comes up at least a few times a day. At first I thought it might be better to wait until the end of the year, around X-mas, when he had a few weeks off. That way he would have a couple of weeks to recover before going back to school. After the appointment today, Joe and I feel it may actually be better to get it done this summer so that he can have more time to recover and also start senior year in a better frame of mind. 

At the end of the consult, we received this little tidbit. $6, 817.00 and our insurance will not be covering one bit of it. Luckily, this doctor does 1 year of follow-up appointments and they are included. As for the doctor, he has done many of these types of surgeries and has a wonderful bedside manner. We all immediately liked him and didn't feel rushed or talked-down to. 

So, here's our plan. Alex will raise the initial appointment scheduling fee ($500.00) and when he has it, we will schedule the surgery. We figure he can do it in about 4 weeks working his job at Taco Bell. It will have more meaning if he contributes, at least we think so. (him, not so much, lol.)

As his Mom, I am terrified. For all sorts of reasons. None of which I think I'll post at this moment. 

Making A Run For The Border!

The simple fact is, it seems our lives revolve around GENDER issues. It isn't surprising that we all "burn-out" occasionally and just want to LIVE, tooling through life just being people. That's a very difficult proposition when you have a transgender child. Their world is so focused on getting mind and body to match that it seeps into everything. Usually it's in the form of anger or depression or both at once. Maybe I'm delusional in thinking that one day, he can just be Alex. I'm hopeful.

Alex finally got a job. Taco Bell. I know, but hey its a job. After actively searching for almost a year, we had celebratory screams in the car. It's the little things. So, he's been there for a few weeks and now we are faced with the dilemma of "who, if anyone, do we tell?" He wants to tell, he's not ashamed of being who he is. BUT. In Virginia he can be fired for being transgender. Not because he's doing a bad job or because he shows up late but because he is transgender. I can't advise him NOT to tell because my stance has always been, Be proud of who you are and never hide. Never hide.....but maybe don't reveal? I mean, he needs a job. I'm torn. Pretty soon his name will be officially changed through the courts. He will be forced to reveal this to his workplace for IRS reasons. I'm fairly sure this will piss them off, more paperwork and whatnot. Will they ask why? Will they make it easy, hard, not care?? I guess we'll see.

Day 89 since the start of Testosterone shots. The increase of aggression/irritation/moodiness has kind of leveled off. I mean we still see the regular " I'm 16" moodiness and general crankiness of most kids this age. Appetite is still there but he is doing better with moderation. Weight has leveled off just under 150 lbs., which is fine...I just don't want to see him get any bigger. Oh, on a side note, Alex has started getting very anxious about giving himself the shot every Monday morning. He is supposed to rotate spots so that he doesn't build up "hard" spots under the skin. He gravitates to right, front belly....maybe because it is easy, I dont know. I'm encouraging him to use other spots, he gets mad when I do. The last two in different spots have hurt and bled. This is a lifelong endeavor, I'm afraid he just needs to get used to it. 

Alex continues to go to Rosmy and is still dating Taylor. Not having a drivers license is really becoming a problem for us both. Luckily, he only has about 3 more weeks without one. Then we will have to figure out the car situation so that he can utilize some of his newfound freedom without leaving me stranded. Ha!

Monday the 30th we are going in to see the plastic surgeon for a top surgery consult. I want to know what kind of surgery he will have to have for best result, recovery time, and most of all, cost. Others have said they had around 3-4 weeks for recovery so I am thinking that possibly over Christmas break would be a good time. It is still to be determined.

Alex's Re-Play of the Day

He is We ~ I Wouldn't Mind.

Post-Convention Head Rush

Hello all! Here is a brief overview of our trip to the Transgender Conference in Philly this past weekend.

The conference started on Thursday and unfortunately we couldn't be there because of Joe's work commitments.

Friday: We woke at 2:45 am and were on the road by 3:15 am. I know, crazy right?! BUT, I wanted to make it to Philly for the first round of classes at 8:45am. We pulled into the city around 9am and parked in the first parking garage we found. The convention center was busy but a lot of the vendor tables weren't set up yet. Multiple classes ran at the same time so I flitted around a lot. There were some that seemed interesting on paper but didn't really pertain to us once we sat in. By lunchtime we were cranky and fighting amongst ourselves. It ended badly, I think it was just too much stimulation for one day. We ate dinner at a sports bar and hit the hotel ( which was FABULOUS). I think we were all asleep before we actually laid down.

Saturday: Ate breakfast at the hotel and walked over to the conference. We all had our agendas for the day. Alex was looking forward to the Gender Reassignment Surgery talks. It was a much better day and we learned a lot. Honestly, I can't go into detail about what I learned or how it pertains to us at the moment. Privacy issues and whatnot. Needless to say, we had a great day and finished off the conference around 8 pm. 

Sunday: Our free day. We rode the double decker bus around the city, ate some wonderful sushi, dropped Alex off at the hotel early and then had a Mom and Dad sorta-date until 9pm. It was fun and nice and the city was fun.

Monday: Alex gave himself his weekly T shot at the hotel. He is picking the same spot ( after being told repeatedly NOT to do that) and that spot is growing a fairly heavy patch of dark hairs. HA! We packed up and left for home after breakfast. We arrived home early afternoon yesterday. 

I'm very glad we went. I'm not sure if we will go again next year. I met a great lady with PFlag who got me interested in possibly going to Washington in a few weeks to Lobby for Transgender rights. I'm hoping some others in my area will be going as well.

I didn't take many pictures at the actually conference, they had signs posted " No photography", it's a privacy thing.  

Anyway, that's about it for now. Oh, I called and made a consult appointment for top surgery with a local surgeon. We will be gathering information, there is no rush just yet on the actual surgery. 

Alex's Re-Play of the Day

Pretty Reckless ~ Heaven Knows