LISTS. I make em. Lots of them. All over the house. On the backs of napkins, on someones open school notebook, on bright yellow sticky notes and even on the backs of my hands. And these lists aren't just encompassing Alex's trangenderism ( although I do have several pink stickies with doctors names/numbers/addresses/etc stuck next to me as I type.) These days my mind is consumed by too many things at once, thoughts do Mach 10 through my brain and I'm lucky if a neuron is paying attention at that moment and remembers to write said thought down. Some days I have SO MUCH and my brain just says FAHK THIS.....these are the days I don't shower, eat Cheerios out of the box, play Candy Crush on my phone while watching Maury on TV. It happens. I'm only human. After last night's meeting with the other trans families I started second guessing myself. Maybe we are rushing ahead too fast. Maybe waiting to transition until AFTER high school would make more sense. And also the other side, I feel so bad that he's starting so late. Some of these parents have been transitioning their kids since 5 years old! FIVE! I'm very torn on this part of it. I'm a scientist, this part of me questions what kind of physiological damage can inadvertently be done to a child this small. It's not for me to judge but I do have these thoughts. Sexuality aside.....we are the parents, we need to be the experience and balance that these kids don't possess yet. I sound judgey but I'm not. This is new to me and I think exploring these thoughts helps me. I absolutely think that support is crucial and matching gender body with the gender brain is important BUT in my opinion, for the general health and growth of the child as a whole, maybe it's better to wait until the later teens. Am I right? Am I wrong? There probably is no clear answer. I think that each parent, based on the kind of reaction their kid has ( e.g.: I HATE this body. I can't live like this. Don't call me a boy/girl! ) will have a different opinion. Alex's body gender issues weren't terribly apparent until about Nov. 2012, when he re-entered the public school system for Grade 10. Discomfort with any femininity, he took the leap to living as a full time boy, though not 'officially'. I already knew he was gay ( at least that's what he told me, but it felt like more ) so dressing like a butch girl wasn't any kind of red flag for me. Moving out of that area and changing schools mid-year probably did not help, that was our desperate attempt at giving him a wider range of kids in a bigger ( less hillbilly) school system. Tolerance. Prince George didn't have it, it was all gun racks and camouflage. Midlothian had a more professional population ( now just listen to MY reasoning...and don't judge. lol) People with higher education generally are more worldly, have travelled, try new things, are more open minded....I could go on and on. I know, it sounds crazy but based on those thoughts...we moved here. I do love the school, for both of my kids. Again with the second guessing. I probably could have found a BETTER place if I had been smarter/more aware/better connected/not stupid....etc. Hold on while I beat myself up some more.
He's the best thing I ever did and 16 hours a day I feel like I've failed him. It's like those memes you see online "You Had One Job" with a picture of the the yellow line on the road pained over a stick or a rock. Maybe it wasn't a good analogy but I was thinking of it and just couldn't think of another one. Shit. You get what I mean though. Or maybe you don't.
Example of a Chest Binder
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