It's a Stall...not a Stop.

Things can never happen fast enough for Alex. I understand this. But being impulsive myself sometimes adds fuel to this fire. I'm human, I have character flaws and foibles just like any Joe on the street. Tuesday night was hard for us both. The DBT program that Alex is in addresses his low tolerance for stressors and helps give him skills to cope. Coping has always been hard for me as well. I'm hoping that I can learn from this therapy as well.

I'm not UNHAPPY with the team that is treating Alex. I'm impatient. My treatment structure at home consists of goal setting and daily re-focusing. Being able to see an 'end result' and feeling like there is forward momentum has been crucial in re-directing Alex's mindset. He needs to feel like we aren't ignoring his transition and that we want it just as much as he does. In this regard, as his advocate, I expect compliance in some things. I don't think that's asking too friggin much. Seriously, sexuality aside, this kid lives a charmed life. I do realize that the pressures and changes he is going through are not typical. And I do all I can to support/nurture/love. Am I a dictator?? Some would say 'Eh, maybe' and they can take that and shove it straight up their back door. Live my life. Walk in my shoes. Be even HALF the caregiver I am.....then I will accept criticism. This is not directed at any one person, well.....maybe it is. Regardless, I'm doing the best I can do with what I have. Period.

Self harm is a real bitch. I hate self harm.  "Self harm in young adolescents is common with one in four reporting self-harming thoughts and one in six engaging in self-harming behaviour over a one year period." ~  Self Harm < full free text journal article.

Self harm is a part of our lives though. And even though we went through a period of remission, it can always re-rear its ugly head. And it did. I had this idea that if I was a good enough parent, put all kinds of rules and diversions in place, I could stop it permanently. And it would just disappear, forever. Boy am I delusional. It's not about me. Everything is not about ME. That's a hard lesson to keep on learning. The self harm has no rhyme or reason either. You can't just tie it up with a nice little bow. I hate that. It's messy and doesn't follow any specific plan or path. We're back to locking up the sharps. I'm a little mad about this. I stressed the 'trust' issue with him. The more I can trust you, the longer you can be left alone. I guess it doesn't matter when you get right down to it. We did have a step forward this time though. While talking about it he said , I wanted to do it but once I started doing it, it wasn't the same ( it had been months since his last cutting ). These cuts are more like scratches, very superficial. I guess that could be categorized as a kind of win. Fingers crossed. Maybe the longer he goes, the less he'll do it.

I'm halfway through The Transgender Child and have found it informative. It does have a large portion of the book focusing on parents who are having a hard time coming to grips with their kids changes. I can definitely see myself when they talk about parents manifesting grief, the loss of the 'daughter' for the 'son'. That part didn't take me long, I think I had a few moments of crying in the car, shaking my head, doing the 'poor me' thing. I snapped out of that pretty quick. Again, NOT ABOUT ME. Duh. I love this kid and genitals make no difference to me. I'm all about getting him what he needs to be successful now. Anyway, I should finish this book tomorrow and will move on to the next. Yay! 

Oh, and I want this book >>>> Transgender Emergence . 

Alex and Mom: Jan 2014