School had a 2 hour delay on Friday. Alex only had to make it through 5 hours of classes. He texted me at lunchtime, wanting to come home. I could have dropped everything and picked him up, but I didn't. Rescuing him every time he has a bit of anxiety is not doing him any favors. I opted to offer some suggestions on how to get through it and, ultimately, he made it until dismissal. But something has been off. I can feel it. He's depressed and isolating. This makes me nervous.
Last night, after a particularly bad day, he admitted to taking a bunch of OTC meds. His suicidal ideation is back. Luckily there is nothing in the house that has the ability to do significant damage. We are back to locking everything up again. I searched his room and put him to bed. All I can do today is keep him super close and stay positive. I keep reminding myself that this is a disease and he doesn't have control over it sometimes. It's chemical. So, today I will text both of his docs and see what we have to do to get him back on track. I'm wondering if the meds he has been taking need to be increased because of recent weight gain. Maybe we need to add an additional med. The path isn't clear.
Sunday 10:24
It's been a day of havoc. Alex texted his primary doc but she really wasn't much help. I don't know that there is anything that ANYONE can do when he falls down a hole like this. Cycling between crying and dragging through the house with that look of despair on his face. It kills me. I don't think he will be able to make it through a day of school like this. I hate keeping him home but I may try and get him in to see one of his docs tomorrow. They want him in the hospital and I refuse. One time was enough to teach me that lesson. The hospital does nothing but temporarily keep this child locked up, in absolute awful conditions, with other children who are suffering from the same OR WORSE conditions. I'd rather lock everything in the house up and keep eyes on him 24 hours a day. I refuse to let the system make him just another fucking number.
It's going to be a long night. He's up and watching tv so I guess I am too. The padlocks are on the meds, the sharps and most of the food. I searched every room for anything that could be used for self harm and locked that up too. Gave him a vitamin and told him to drink a whole lot of water. If I knew how to fix this, I would. I hate this helpless feeling.
Suicidal Ideation
Borderline Personality Disorder
Suicide In Teens Overview
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