The genital question or "We're you raised by wolves?"

(uh, inappropriate much?)

Xander had an incident this week at school. It involved a rude comment and an inappropriate touch by a girl. He texted me when it happened and I was pissed. I immediately e-mailed guidance and asked them to look into it. To my surprise it was handled right away and all the teachers involved were as dismayed as I was. I got great feedback from the administration and was assured that it would be documented and any other incidents would not be tolerated. Xander was satisfied and just wanted to move on. I'm hopeful that this was an isolated incident and he can just be go back to blending in.

I finally pulled the trigger and went to the military with the name change AND gender change. A few individuals had mentioned to me that it wasn't wise to do so. I thought about it and decided that I would rather fight them for services than be liable for fraud. My choice. So we got Xander a new military ID and changed everything with TriCare. I have yet to venture into the system and find out how the hell we are going to work this ( a gendered male but um, I need a pap smear please...) but I'll let you know when it happens.

Tonight is the Homecoming Dance for Xander. Taylor came over early and they are doing that "we're together but we're both on our cell phones" thing that drives me insane. It's fine, I mean they're happy and not hurting anybody so no big deal.

Xander has stopped taking the seizure medication after titrating down for almost 2 months. So far, knock on wood, no seizures. Let's hope they never return.

Our next appointment with the Endo is in two weeks. I guess Xander is hoping she will increase his dose again. We've been at .5 for awhile so we'll see what she says. He is still giving himself his shots on Sunday nights and splits the dose between two needles so that he doesn't get a big lump under his skin. 

Let me just say that since the top surgery, so much of the turmoil and anxiety that plagued him has gone. His grades are excellent this school year and , even better, he CARES about them. He gets UPSET when he doesn't do as well as he would like. It's miraculous and I couldn't be prouder.

Anyway, I just wanted to check in. I'll post again with the results of the Endo appointment. 

Xander's re-play of the day

Stay High ~ Tove Lo

Post-Pride

Yesterday was our Pride Fest and what a beautiful day it was! We showed up early and Joe and I didn't hang out very long. I have mid-terms this week and the pressure is on to do extremely well. Xander stayed for just about the whole thing and had a great time.

Also, after getting the gender change court order I was itching to get in and amend his birth certificate. I waited a couple of weeks because I knew the court had to internally send the order to Vital Records before they would do anything. Luckily when I went in last Thursday, they had everything they needed and cut me a new birth certificate right on the spot. What a relief to finally have this done. Now, he will be able to get EVERYTHING else changed without any issue. The birth certificate is the ONE THING everyone asks for. So now we have to get started on new military ID, insurance, the college 529 plan, dental, Eye Med, and probably a few more I am not thinking of right now. 

Medically, he's still having anxiety about shot day. He switched from Monday mornings before school to Sunday nights so he wouldn't feel so much "pressure" to get it done quick. The next time we go in to see the Endo I am definitely going to bring up maybe switching to another method. I think the higher dosage we started a few weeks ago has finally started to work on stopping his cycle. We had the PMS buildup but so far nothing else. I guess that's a good thing, I mean except for the PMS part. Ha!

Xander's Re-Play of the Day

baauer- Dum Dum

Our day in court.

Our day in court. ( Really, more like 10 minutes.)

So the original date had been cancelled because our judge had an emergency. Ok. The date was re-scheduled to today.  Getting the 3 of us in one place, at one time, in the middle of the week? Well, it takes work. We all made it and I brought every scrap of paper pertaining to Xander that I thought they could ask for...just in case. The 11:30 case didn't show up and we were early so, we got in before noon. Long story short. He wasn't the nicest judge. He gave us those judgy, over-the-glasses looks when he asked if we were okay with this. He didn't try to hide his feelings one bit. I wanted to scream at him. But I didn't because that wouldn't have done any good. He granted the request. That's all we wanted. Alexander is now officially a DUDE! On paper and everything. I'm so relieved that this part is over. Seriously. Damn.

In other news, everything else is going well. Xander has pretty much healed from the surgery. He started school as a guy and even uses the mens bathrooms with no issue. He and Taylor are still together and travel back and forth on the weekends to visit. He's slipped into being a pretty normal teenage guy.

Richmond PrideFest is coming up on the 27th on Brown's Island. We're all looking forward to it. It's going to be our first year going! Yay!

Well, I'm afraid graduate school is eating my brain and what little free time I have left so my posts may become fewer and farther in-between. Sorry, its life. 

Xander's Re-Play of the Day

Meghan Trainor ~ All About That Bass

Just a note

Hi. 

- Gender change court date changed to Sept. 9. Disappointing, but shit happens.
- School started this last Tuesday and Xander did pretty well. Of course we knew "some certain people" would give him a hard time but he's managing it well.
- After meeting with the brain doc, he has decided to start weaning Xander off of his seizure med. Down from 4 pills a day to 2 and so far, so good.

I promise to give a better update once we have our court date.

Notes on GENDER change and stuff

I submitted the gender change document to the courts on the 12th. The court clerk was out of town until the 18th. I physically went to the courthouse on Monday and made a court date for Xander's gender change with the judge. The soonest they had was August 29th @ 10am. Once I have this document in hand I can: change gender through Social Security, amend the birth certificate and get a new passport. The high school has informed me that they won't change his gender until they get an amended birth certificate. You would think that the court order would be enough. Everything always has to be friggin complicated. 

I met with school guidance a few days ago, just to give her a heads up. It went okay but the whole bathroom issue was not covered. Once we have the amended birth certificate, that will no longer be an issue. I also e-mailed every one of Xander's teachers, explaining his transformation and asking for their cooperation. I've had one response and it was very positive.

Healing is going well. The surgical tape that was over all of the incisions was peeled off this morning. I wasn't around when he did this, of course, because I would have recommended against it. No harm I guess. The incision lines look good and both nipples are healing nicely.

The compression vest irritates him and he wants so badly to take it off. Nope, still have about 3 weeks left. I sympathize because I know it gets hot and itchy. Ahhhh the price of getting what you want. Hehe.

That's it for now!

9 days POST-OP.

Xander has been doing very well since the surgery. He stopped taking the pain meds last Monday and finished up his antibiotic on Wednesday. He hasn't needed my help showering for a few days but I still dress his incisions and help him get the binder back on. Wound healing is good except for the right nipple, it's still pretty angry. The skin has begun peeling off but the nipple itself will be fine. It's just gross and makes Xander nervous. Ha!

The kids from Rosmy sent Xander a Get Well card! 

Wearing a T-shirt for the first time.

New Glasses!

He loves the way shirts look now. It will be such a relief when he can wear one without the binder underneath. That day will be September 11. 

I have definitely noticed a difference in his demeanor since surgery. It's always hard to tell at this age what is driving his behaviors. Is it gender related or is it just being 17? Sometimes its hard to tell. Also with the addition of a higher dose of testosterone we are back to increases in aggression and irritability. It will take a month or more for that to level out.

So, coming up we have the surgical follow-up on the 26th. He also has a follow-up with Children's Neurology on the 25th. The doc will have a look at the EEG we just had done and evaluate whether or not Xander can be weaned off of his seizure med. Xander started having ABSENCE seizures around 9 years old. 

With the start of school fast approaching I am nervous and excited for him. I am hoping that his last year in high school will be uneventful and even (gasp!) enjoyable. A mother can hope, right?

Xander's Re-Play of the Day

Knife Party ~ Centipede

The BIG REVEAL!

Xander and Dad at the office. Drain removal day.

So nervous!

Taking off the compression vest was very uncomfortable.

Bandages come off. The drains get pulled out.

First look.

After a quick look, re-bandaged and the binder goes back on.

Once we are home. Long stares in the mirror and a lot of "Wow"and smiling.  It's amazing how flat and boyish it looks, I was expecting much more swelling. The first shower was very awkward and difficult. Dosed with ointment and re-wrapped in gauze. Getting the binder back on was hard, not looking forward to doing that for a month. Next follow-up with doctor will be on Aug. 26. 

He is very happy with the result so far. 

TOP SURGERY!

A BRAND NEW MANLY CHEST!!!!

Finally, yesterday was the big day. We arrived at the hospital around 8 am. 

Xander endured the dreaded IV.

The doctor came in and drew all kinds of purple marks on his chest.

Surgery didn't begin until almost 11 am. They called me on my cell phone while we were waiting in the surgical waiting room.  The nurse reported that it was at the half-way point and all was going well. Immediately after the procedure, the doctor came out and spoke to us. We were nervous but there were no complications, and I was very thankful for that. The surgery took about 2 hours to complete and then another hour in recovery. 

We were allowed to see him in the secondary recovery room, where we were given discharge instructions. They wheeled him downstairs and we loaded him into the car to go home.

Sleeping in the recliner.

Feeling better and already wants to have visitors. Ha!

They have him taking an antibiotic twice a day, oxycodone for the pain when necessary and a stool softener ( all these drugs will back you up big time!) He's also taking his multi-vitamin, his D supplement and will start 0.50 ml of testosterone on Monday. The binder stays on until Monday so only sponge baths until then. 

Also on Monday, he gets the drains out. Yay! Those things are super nasty. So on Monday, the doc will take off the binder and all of the bandages underneath, take out the drains and we will get to see the new chest for the first time. Exciting! I'll post again soon.

Xander's re-play of the day

The Prodigy ~ Breathe

Back to Court

Ahoy! Just a note on the GENDER CHANGE front. I visited Chesterfield Courthouse today, just to get a feel for what I was going to need to get this done. Believe it or not, although they have done a few ADULT gender changes, they have NO IDEA what to submit for a minor gender change. The mind boggles. I'm sorry? No forms, no idea of the criteria and it would seem that no one in that office is very clear on what I should do.  SHOCKER.  Back to Google and I found this: TRANSMAN.
"Changing your gender marker within the Commonwealth of Virginia is not the easiest task..." These are his first words. No shit. But he gave me a great starting place. Using the document he has on his website I cobbled together a MINORS version that should work. We will also need a letter from the surgeon, stating that Xander has had irreversible surgical treatment. I don't think they are looking for the doctor to get into specifics. At least I hope not. I also added 2 JOINT applicants, Joe and I. Because Xander is a minor, we should be included and I will have both signatures notarized. When I turn this in to them next week, with the surgeons letter attached, I guess we will see what happens. Charge for gender change $84.00.

Social Security name change and other stuff

Social Security

Here's what we did. I brought along Xander's name change court document, drivers license and his old social security card. We found the closest SS office and got down there bright and early. TWO hours later we were seen by a very nice lady. They will change the name BUT NOT the gender. They will need a COURT ORDER for that as well. We went through with just the name change for now. Xander received his new card about 1 week later in the mail. I knew this could be an issue so I wasn't terribly surprised.

Also, as of today, we are still waiting for the hard copy of his license. 

I can't remember if I mentioned that I also dropped a copy of the court order off at his school office. They are currently in the middle of a computer systems change-over, of course, so I doubt anything will happen until I re-visit them in a couple of weeks.

COURT AGAIN

Tomorrow I am planning on going back to the Chesterfield courthouse to find out what I need to start gender change. It could be that I will need a surgeons note or a therapists letter or maybe even a postcard from the Pope. Who the hell knows?! Sorry, my irritation is showing.

Bank

We had no problem at all opening Xander his own checking and savings at Wells Fargo. He only had to show his license, which has his new name on it, so it was a breeze.

Note: Wells Fargo is one of the sponsors of PrideFest in Richmond this year!!!! Love them!

And, finally, only 5 more days until top surgery. I cried in the car today. A lot. I don't know if it's a happy or nervous or bewildered crying.....maybe all at once. I'm not fearful of the surgery itself. Really, I'm not. I guess it could be another stage of the mourning we go through. That seems so selfish. And people offering up all kinds of fucking opinions. Really? I'm just more sensitive now to opinions. That's hysterical too because I am the Queen of Not Giving A Shit what anyone thinks. Uh huh. That becomes fairly evident once you meet me. Ha! Judging me is fine, judging my kid is never even close to okay. And it hurts, even though I KNOW that people are stupid and assholes and just whatever. Anyway, that's me venting. Consider me all whined out. hehe.

Ted Leo and the Pharmacists ~ Bottled In Cork

Name Change in Chesterfield, Virginia

There are so many aspects of our lives that are affected by a name change. We don't think about it much; when we sign up for things, apply for positions, even verbally telling people.....it can become confusing when we switch to a new name. Keep that in mind and be patient with people. You may have been using your new name daily, perhaps among your family or friends but your banker, your hair dresser or even the peers at your school have not. This is new to them.

Name Change

So, we started by printing out the Name Change ( Minors) form found here. Name Change.
If you are an adult, there is an adult form on this page as well. Be aware that the Minors form requires BOTH parents to sign and those signatures MUST be notarized.

Next, we took our application to the Chesterfield County Courthouse, which is located here. COURTHOUSE. Note: Go to the Circuit Courts office, which is to the left when you walk in. You will give your application to the clerk, pay $39.00 and she will give you a receipt with a Judges name and a case number. If the court has any issue with your name change ( rare) then they will call you. Otherwise, they will send the name change in the mail within ( this is what they told me) 2 WORKING weeks. Don't count weekends or holidays or the day you drop it off. Personal experience: We waited 2 working weeks and when nothing showed up I used the case number to see what was going on on their website. It showed that the change had gone through 4 days after we dropped it off. The paperwork was never sent. Be vigilant. We drove over and picked up a copy from the same office that day.

DMV

Xander had just received his temporary paper license, which he was supposed to hold onto for 180 days. This would mean we could only change the name on his Learners permit. We took our newly acquired Court Papers to DMV. The lady at the counter was superb ( we got LUCKY!) and when we explained why Xander was doing the name change, she took his picture and cut him a new drivers license! The hard copy will come in the mail in a week. Make sure you change the gender marker to the one you prefer ( M or F). This will be important when making changes at other places.

My next venture will be social security. I'll let you know how that goes.

Pre-Op Appointment and Junk

There are so many videos circulating on Facebook these days when it comes to gender. I was going to post a few of my favorites but, honestly, they are showing up so often that people are getting tired of the repetition. I will say that Debi Jackson's video of her child's journey is awesome and worth the watch. Also the documentary, Transgeneration, about transgender college kids is a great look at the special considerations that our kids will be faced with in these situations away from home. 

This morning we went in for our Pre-Op at Zinsser Plastic Surgery. It was all pretty standard "what to expect after" stuff. Luckily I have been through a buttload of surgeries so I'm a champ at wound care. Xander is a little freaked out about the drains. It's normal. It didn't help that the nurse showed him the ENTIRE length of tubing that would be inside of his body. Scary. It looks really fucking long. I'm laughing only because I've been there and done that. The mental weirdness ( I always pictured the tube wrapping around my friggin spleen or piercing a major artery and it all comes flying out when they yank that damn thing out. Yeah, I have a very active imagination, I know) is much more debilitating than the actual pain of them pulling it out. He only has to have the drains in for the weekend. That's going to be a REALLY long weekend.

Other than that, I have to pick up supplies for the dressings and his after surgery meds. Done. Nothing else to do but wait till August 8th now!

We leave for the beach this weekend and will celebrate Xander's 17th birthday in Va. Beach. We return the week of the surgery, by which time the nerves will really start showing. I probably won't post again until after. 

Xander's Re-Play of the Day

Spoon ~ Do You?

Summer is for squares.

      Why does it not feel like summer at all? The school year ended and suddenly, it's mid-July. Our days have been filled with planning and scheduling and going to work. I guess we haven't really had much time for anything but anxiety and mindless daily living. I realized this right after I made the final appointment for Alex's FtM Top surgery. August 8th. 
The pre-op appointment is July 22nd, not leaving me a whole lot of time to get in a much-needed vacation of any kind. For my own mental health, I knew I was going to need some beach time before the surgery/recovery period. I called Joe at work and told him to take some days off, we're going to need to go to the beach from July 26th to Aug 3rd. He was reluctant but he scheduled it because he knows me, if I say I NEED the time off then it must really be important. 

I stare at my calendar and it's filled with events and plans that were made in the spring. The surgery is eclipsing everything, either time-wise or financially. I was unable to make it up to DC for the Transgender Lobby, primarily because of the sudden lack of funds. I wanted to be there and made a last ditch effort to scrape up the money but it just wasn't meant to be. Next year I will have a better plan in place.

Alex is doing well. He managed to get the $500 together pretty quickly and then told his boss he was going to have surgery ( a vague statement until the boss asked "what kind of surgery?" to which Alex pointed at his chest. He said she just smiled and said "that is very exciting." Whew. Sometimes people surprise you.) so he would have to quit. The manager told him he could take some time off, he didn't necessarily have to quit. If he wants to go back when he has healed then he will have a place. Personally, I don't think he will have the time. He failed a couple of core classes last year and his course-load will be pretty heavy this coming year. He can not afford to fail anything his senior year in order to graduate. This will not leave much time for working. Or a social life. Ha!

Alex got his drivers license last week and has since been unstoppable. He has made several trips to Richmond on his own to visit Taylor. Even with the GPS he has managed to get lost a few times. I worry but I'm also glad he is venturing out on his own. I honestly never thought this day would come.

Alex, Xander, Al ~ June 2014

Alex's Re-Play of the Day.

MAGIC! ~ Rude

Let's Make A Deal!

The decision for top surgery ( better known as Double Mastectomy) was and IS a hard one. I could list the various reasons that we are choosing to move forward with this but ultimately, everyone will have an opinion based on their own MORAL (?) compass. This child was not an accident, this child was a WANTED child. I carried and gave birth to another human, beautiful and perfect in every way. Just like any mother, I would do anything to help this child be a successful, fulfilled, happy person. 
That being said, he has been so body dysmorphic that it is getting hard for him to focus on anything else.  His therapist and I have discussed it at length and we both agree that his mental health will improve greatly the sooner we can arrange to have this done. In our house, it comes up at least a few times a day. At first I thought it might be better to wait until the end of the year, around X-mas, when he had a few weeks off. That way he would have a couple of weeks to recover before going back to school. After the appointment today, Joe and I feel it may actually be better to get it done this summer so that he can have more time to recover and also start senior year in a better frame of mind. 

At the end of the consult, we received this little tidbit. $6, 817.00 and our insurance will not be covering one bit of it. Luckily, this doctor does 1 year of follow-up appointments and they are included. As for the doctor, he has done many of these types of surgeries and has a wonderful bedside manner. We all immediately liked him and didn't feel rushed or talked-down to. 

So, here's our plan. Alex will raise the initial appointment scheduling fee ($500.00) and when he has it, we will schedule the surgery. We figure he can do it in about 4 weeks working his job at Taco Bell. It will have more meaning if he contributes, at least we think so. (him, not so much, lol.)

As his Mom, I am terrified. For all sorts of reasons. None of which I think I'll post at this moment. 

Making A Run For The Border!

The simple fact is, it seems our lives revolve around GENDER issues. It isn't surprising that we all "burn-out" occasionally and just want to LIVE, tooling through life just being people. That's a very difficult proposition when you have a transgender child. Their world is so focused on getting mind and body to match that it seeps into everything. Usually it's in the form of anger or depression or both at once. Maybe I'm delusional in thinking that one day, he can just be Alex. I'm hopeful.

Alex finally got a job. Taco Bell. I know, but hey its a job. After actively searching for almost a year, we had celebratory screams in the car. It's the little things. So, he's been there for a few weeks and now we are faced with the dilemma of "who, if anyone, do we tell?" He wants to tell, he's not ashamed of being who he is. BUT. In Virginia he can be fired for being transgender. Not because he's doing a bad job or because he shows up late but because he is transgender. I can't advise him NOT to tell because my stance has always been, Be proud of who you are and never hide. Never hide.....but maybe don't reveal? I mean, he needs a job. I'm torn. Pretty soon his name will be officially changed through the courts. He will be forced to reveal this to his workplace for IRS reasons. I'm fairly sure this will piss them off, more paperwork and whatnot. Will they ask why? Will they make it easy, hard, not care?? I guess we'll see.

Day 89 since the start of Testosterone shots. The increase of aggression/irritation/moodiness has kind of leveled off. I mean we still see the regular " I'm 16" moodiness and general crankiness of most kids this age. Appetite is still there but he is doing better with moderation. Weight has leveled off just under 150 lbs., which is fine...I just don't want to see him get any bigger. Oh, on a side note, Alex has started getting very anxious about giving himself the shot every Monday morning. He is supposed to rotate spots so that he doesn't build up "hard" spots under the skin. He gravitates to right, front belly....maybe because it is easy, I dont know. I'm encouraging him to use other spots, he gets mad when I do. The last two in different spots have hurt and bled. This is a lifelong endeavor, I'm afraid he just needs to get used to it. 

Alex continues to go to Rosmy and is still dating Taylor. Not having a drivers license is really becoming a problem for us both. Luckily, he only has about 3 more weeks without one. Then we will have to figure out the car situation so that he can utilize some of his newfound freedom without leaving me stranded. Ha!

Monday the 30th we are going in to see the plastic surgeon for a top surgery consult. I want to know what kind of surgery he will have to have for best result, recovery time, and most of all, cost. Others have said they had around 3-4 weeks for recovery so I am thinking that possibly over Christmas break would be a good time. It is still to be determined.

Alex's Re-Play of the Day

He is We ~ I Wouldn't Mind.

Post-Convention Head Rush

Hello all! Here is a brief overview of our trip to the Transgender Conference in Philly this past weekend.

The conference started on Thursday and unfortunately we couldn't be there because of Joe's work commitments.

Friday: We woke at 2:45 am and were on the road by 3:15 am. I know, crazy right?! BUT, I wanted to make it to Philly for the first round of classes at 8:45am. We pulled into the city around 9am and parked in the first parking garage we found. The convention center was busy but a lot of the vendor tables weren't set up yet. Multiple classes ran at the same time so I flitted around a lot. There were some that seemed interesting on paper but didn't really pertain to us once we sat in. By lunchtime we were cranky and fighting amongst ourselves. It ended badly, I think it was just too much stimulation for one day. We ate dinner at a sports bar and hit the hotel ( which was FABULOUS). I think we were all asleep before we actually laid down.

Saturday: Ate breakfast at the hotel and walked over to the conference. We all had our agendas for the day. Alex was looking forward to the Gender Reassignment Surgery talks. It was a much better day and we learned a lot. Honestly, I can't go into detail about what I learned or how it pertains to us at the moment. Privacy issues and whatnot. Needless to say, we had a great day and finished off the conference around 8 pm. 

Sunday: Our free day. We rode the double decker bus around the city, ate some wonderful sushi, dropped Alex off at the hotel early and then had a Mom and Dad sorta-date until 9pm. It was fun and nice and the city was fun.

Monday: Alex gave himself his weekly T shot at the hotel. He is picking the same spot ( after being told repeatedly NOT to do that) and that spot is growing a fairly heavy patch of dark hairs. HA! We packed up and left for home after breakfast. We arrived home early afternoon yesterday. 

I'm very glad we went. I'm not sure if we will go again next year. I met a great lady with PFlag who got me interested in possibly going to Washington in a few weeks to Lobby for Transgender rights. I'm hoping some others in my area will be going as well.

I didn't take many pictures at the actually conference, they had signs posted " No photography", it's a privacy thing.  

Anyway, that's about it for now. Oh, I called and made a consult appointment for top surgery with a local surgeon. We will be gathering information, there is no rush just yet on the actual surgery. 

Alex's Re-Play of the Day

Pretty Reckless ~ Heaven Knows