Ugh, Tuesday.

Tuesdays have become my Monday. Six and a half hours of therapy/support groups. What was I thinking? Oh yeah, I was thinking that if I grouped everything together, I would only have one trip per week up to Richmond. Makes sense. *punches self in head*

The endocrinologists office called me unexpectedly yesterday. Alex's bloodwork and bone scan had come back. All of his levels were good except for his Vitamin D. The bone scan was deemed passable. Ok, no problem. So we stopped off at Walgreens and began Vit. D 1000 mg twice a day. As a precaution I also bought some calcium chews. In studies, it has been shown that FtM testosterone recipients have difficulties with bone loss. This is not a deal breaker for the testosterone treatment. As long as he stays on a vitamin regime, his levels will come up. Our appointment stands for March 17.

Wednesday 2:22 pm

So yesterday's therapy etc. went ok. Alex had me come in at his One on One to re-cap last weeks visit with Endo. The therapist was supportive albeit a bit surprised when we informed her that we would possibly be starting the injections in a couple of weeks. The problem lies in the fact that everyone outside of your situation will always think it's too fast, no matter how slow you go. After all of the reading I have done, it is clear that the individual should have that choice. How fast or slow they go is between them and their medical professional. Not everyone agrees but they are not living this life.
Group therapy is always difficult for Alex and after about 30 minutes he writes me a note, asking if we can leave early. Absolutely not. We have gone over this numerous times. You don't have to like it, you just have to do it. The resulting NO pisses him off and he wastes the next 20 minutes fuming. Ah well. If someone isn't pissed off, I'm not doing my job.
By the end of the night he is showing signs of a beginning cold. I drug him and put him to bed. After a couple hours of school, they call me. He's at the nurses, all sickly and shit. Fantastic.
So here we sit at home. Not much I can do for a cold except treat symptoms and wait it out. With the amount of vitamins this kid takes, I was very surprised he could even get sick. Ha!

Priorities and Goal Setting or Mom's OCD kills Everyone

It's not a secret, I'm an avid control-freak. I tend to micro-manage events as small as how the dishwasher is loaded, how the dog is fed and which way the tp comes off the roll. And even though my brain defaults to this particular crazy everytime, I consider myself to be 'easy going' and 'flexible'. Yeah, ok. When it comes to Alex, this mindset is throttled on a daily basis. An example would be school. I know that you can not get anywhere in life without some kind of education. There are peers of mine with bachelors degrees serving the public at drive thrus all over town. The more educated you are, the better chance you have of getting a good job. That's a fact in my world. I have always stressed that to my kid, he sees me working to better myself even now. He's failing. And I believe it's for multiple reasons. The last 2 years has been difficult at best. His mind could not focus on anything but the changes he was going through. I honestly believe that. And where good grades in school had been a necessity, they soon lost some of that urgency. My push for A's and B's digressed to "a C is great honey!" Honestly, the other challenges just plain out-weighed the need for Honor Roll. So, here we are, 2 years later and semi-stable. The grades have not improved. Should I push harder and expect more? He has no interest in any of his classes, no drive to work harder to keep up, no ambition to excel. I've tried goal setting and time management, ordering and threats, prizes and praise. Nothing makes a difference. School apathy. BUT, he dreams of a fantastical life where he will have a wondrous apartment, full of animals and video games with a shiny new mini-Cooper to drive around in. Possibly in France. He will fail Algebra this year. Luckily he can re-take it next year without any bad effects. Hopefully he will pass the rest of his classes because summer school runs $400 a class and will negate anything fun in July. I have sad face. 

The latest obsession is the 'driving' and the 'i want a car'. Joe has taught Alex the wonder that is CraigsList and now I have 2 men staring at computers hours on end. Alex to Dad ~ " This one is perfect! And it's beautiful and cool and swag. Don't you just LOVE it???! Can we buy it yesterday? I know it's 40 billionty dollars but that's ok because you have a debit card. Cmon let's go!" Dad to Alex ~ " $%#*&$%!@#$. and No. I will only accept a small truck or sedan that is old and ugly as all hell that won't jack my insurance up." Cue the arguing and rolling of eyes, followed by the anger and glaring. Too much fun. I don't get involved.

This is my pick. Ha!

TRANSPARENT  ~ Transparent stars Jeffrey Tambor as the titular character, Maura, a trans woman coming out late in life and trying to share her authentic self with her dysfunctional family, including her selfish children and ex-wife.

Alex's replay of the day.

Cat Power: Sea of Love

Thumbs UP!

Today was the big day. Endocrinologist appointment. Traffic was awful and I was glad we left early. The office was full of flyers for children's diabetes, I hoped silently that this was the place we wanted to be. I had to trust the GP's recommendation. I filled out the obligatory paperwork and Alex had his vitals done. We were both very nervous. * side note: My husband came along. He is making the effort to understand the process. This is very difficult for him. An effort is all we can ask for right now. ~ We spoke with Dr. X and nervously outlined what we were looking for, giving him a brief history and a future outlook plan. He was very pleasant and smiling the whole time. After some standard questions about Alex's cycle and general health, he informed us that Dr. Y was the one who we needed to talk with. Dr. Y was actually the doctor I had found on the internet and requested from the GP. I guess she had no openings which is why we were scheduled with one of her partners. Dr. Y came in. She's perfect. She knows exactly where we want to be and how to get us there. She did a physical exam of Alex and we had some blood drawn. We also had to go to radiology and get a bone age x-ray. On March 17 we go back to review the blood work and bone scan. If all is good then we will proceed with HRT. These will consist of subcutaneous shots of T bi-weekly at first. This is much sooner than I had expected. I was sure we would be looking at the end of the summer...or later. Alex is happy and, although the thought of shots is unappealing, he is resolved to do whatever it takes to get started with his transition.
Tonight we have Rosmy and I have a support group meeting as well. I'll be dragging my husband along as I think it's time he starts socializing with others like us. It may help.....I hope he can keep an open mind. We'll see.

ROSMY ~ Richmond

Happy ( late ) Valentines Day!

Happy belated Valentines Day! It's been very quiet here since the snowpocolypse. School was cancelled and Alex has been bumping around the house, moaning about not getting texted by anyone. He is sensitive and over-thinks everything. Just looking at Facebook on Valentines Day made him feel angry and shameful ( his words) and he ended up deleting his page. He looks at what other people post and imagines that they are happy and having a great time, and doing it to hurt him? mock him? make him jealous? I dunno. I encouraged him to delete it anyway. If it upsets him that much then it needs to be gone. Social media can be a bitch for kids, especially when they aren't good at emotional regulation. 
There isn't much new on the Trans front. The appointment with the endocrine doc is coming up this week and I think we are both hopeful that it at least gets the ball rolling in the right direction. I explained that the doctor wouldn't simply give Alex testosterone on the first visit. There is testing and probably multiple visits in our future. 

In related news that effects us all, Avery will be moving into a new group home on the 28th. It's been a long time coming because the new home was just purchased and is going through licensure. I hate the chaos that moving introduces into his life but it a good thing this time. It will take him a month or so to settle in and this will be a much healthier environment for him in the end. 

Tuesdays suck.

Every Tuesday since the end of 2013 we have been going to DBT in Richmond. The first few times it was fine, I didn't get much resistance from Alex. He knows that this therapy serves a purpose. Coping skills. How to diffuse the big, ugly feelings that make him do the behaviors like cutting and bingeing. It's all based on Buddhist concepts of mindfulness, which most kids will probably think are boring and stupid. These skills will only work in a real world situation if 1. you can recall them at the right moment 2. are taking an active part in your recovery and 3. give a shit. From what I can see, none of the kids presently in group really WANT to be there. Some are more like "Well, I'm here so I'll just roll with it." You are required to interact but only minimally. Last session Alex did not want to participate and was essentially forced to by the therapist. Since then, he has been angry and doesn't want to go back. So, yesterday he went to his regular one-on-one with the therapist, which was fine. We have an hour between that appointment and the group session. That hour began with an argument and ended up with both of us crying in the parking lot. I'm not going to go into what was said but let's just say, we both lost our shit for a minute. The therapist texted me and after cooling down we agreed to try again next week. I'm still sad this happened the way it did. These are the times that I question what I'm doing, if I'm doing the right things, am I being too overbearing, maybe I should back off and just let the bad stuff happen? I dunno. I want to say "Sure, you can quit." but the reality is, he needs therapy. Even if only 5 minutes out of the hour can sink in, it's worth it. I have to remember that with any recovery, it's progress not perfection. 

Buddhist Mindfulness

More of the same.

I'm a bit of a recluse at times. I actually prefer my own company, can keep myself amused indefinitely and enjoy solitude. This doesn't happen often but I never complain when the opportunity arises. If you are a wife and/or mother, you know. Lately my quiet moments have been filled with 'the sad' and this is never enjoyable. I wallow and flop around in my own self-pity. It's not cute and rather pathetic. "Ain't Nobody Got Time For That." as Sweet Brown would say. But this too comes with my territory. Anyway, if I stop writing for some time, this is why. My brain can't manage full sentences during these times and it doesn't give a shit either. Ah well, it's starting to pass so all is well again.

I managed to finish The Transgender Child on Saturday. I have to say that the last 2 chapters were probably the most helpful for me. They cover medical and legal issues, giving lots of sites and addresses for help, if needed. I will hang onto this one as it may prove to be a valuable resource in the future. Next, I did pick up The Transgender Guidebook: Keys to a successful transition by Anne Boedecker, PhD. I've only read a few pages but it has a very different tone to it, you can tell its geared toward adults. 

On Sunday Alex and I had lunch with a friend of his and her mother. They have been experiencing many of the manifestation behaviors that Alex has experience with. Alex's friend is not transgender but is dealing with many issues that ( I think) are triggering these behaviors. It's scary for them. I'll be as helpful as I can but the key is building a trust between them as mother and daughter. I'm always here and will never judge. :-)

My senior project was rejected at first by my mentor. Too broad of a subject. Today I narrowed it down. The title is Neuroanatomical Differences Between Transsexuals and Cissexuals. I wrote my abstract and submitted it to the committee for consideration. I won't know if they approve it for a week or so. If they do, then I will present findings in front of a huge room of visiting professionals and school staff and peers. I'm not nervous...yet.

And lastly, I was contacted today by the GP. She found another endocrinologist that works with kids and made us an appointment for Feb. 20. After having the last couple cancelled out from under us, we are not getting our hopes up too high yet.  More crossing of fingers. 

Alex 2/9

It's Friday morning. Yep. I'm staying positive.

Morning. It would seem I spoke too soon. Last night Tricare denied our referral to the doctor we requested. They couldn't understand why we wanted to go soooooo far away just to see a pediatrician when there are so many close by. I found this out last night while at Rosmy and was loathe to tell Alex. I was sure he would lose his shit right there. But, it went better than I anticipated and he understands that finding a doc we can slip by Tricare who is transgender friendly will be a difficult job. Luckily, one of the facilitators had the name of another doc that is actually in the area. Yay. ( That's a stifled yay. No getting hopes too high yet. ) So I'm waiting to hear back from the GP. If this new ped. endo. is accepted by Tricare, we are back on track. Fingers crossed.

Alex's song this morning. :-)

The universe threw me a frikkin bone!

Throw me a frickin' bone here!

So yesterday was our dreaded Tricare appointment. I had been sweating over this for the last week. I had a Plan A, Plan B and even a Plan C ( which wasn't a very good Plan C because it consisted of us physically running away ) Alex and I had talked through numerous scenarios and although we were nervous, we were ready. One funny thing: Alex has been living full-time as a guy for awhile and even without any hormones or surgery, he is passable. The male nurse that did the vitals thought Alex was a guy, used male pronouns and even did the intake paper meant for dudes. We kept looking back and forth at each other, smiling. It's always a big confidence booster for Alex when people identify him as a man. It was just a nice moment. Anyway, I will not name the GP doctor we saw but let's just say, she was everything we could have wanted. Seriously, I almost cried with relief. This person had actually worked in the LGBTQ community in another city close by and got us set up with an appointment to see someone for transitioning. The doctor that had been recommended to us ( an endocrinologist ) doesn't take patients under age 18. The new doctor that we are going to see is in Charlottesville, about 2 hours away. That will be this Monday. Needless to say, Alex is very happy.
While at the GP appointment I also asked about birth control as a mood stabilizer. Pills are not the best mode of delivery for Alex, he is not a person who remembers to take pills. I asked about the Depo shot and the doc suggested that this might actually make the mood swings worse ( oh no no no, please) Okay, so other options? She suggested the Mirena IUD. Inserted in the clinic, it lasts up to 5 years.  Mirena IUD   But, because Alex might start testosterone in the near future, he wants to wait. I dread the next cycle, I was really hoping to get the IUD this week for him and see if that helped. I'm not sure when/if he will be starting the T anytime soon. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst.

I'm still reading The Transgender Child. Sometimes I get spurts of reading in and sometimes life just doesn't allow it. You know how it goes, you carry the book with you everywhere in hopes that you'll be able to sit and concentrate for a few minutes. And it never happens. And the book becomes a real pain because its clogging up your purse. So you toss it in the back seat of the car, STILL intent that you will read dammit. And then someone throws their crap in the backseat, burying the book and all hopes of you remembering where it is. Yep. But I did yank it out of the car last night and now it sits on the junk table, with the rest of the shit I have no home for. Sigh.

I managed to kiss-ass my way out of my 4pm class today. It helps that I'm a 'mature' student who takes school "very seriously'. Ha! Actually I had all the work done, I'm probably lightyears ahead of the rest of the class ( and that's how I like it!) so she went over everything I had done and "oooo-ed" and "aaahhh-ed" *uh, I can rock some histology slides y'all* because my superior work had her right where I wanted her. LOL. Ok, then I dropped the bomb. Mind if I miss your class today? She pretty much gave me a free pass for the rest of the semester too. Just check in once in awhile, I know you're a busy Mom. She absolutely rocks! Anyway, that really helps when it comes to my stress levels. I hate leaving Alex alone at home for any length of time. Today, because it was not possible for me to be home when he got off the bus, I spent an hour or so making sure the house was as safe as it could be. Anything sharp, all meds and most foods are contained in cabinets, a rolling cart and the fridge. ( I put the knives in the freezer. lol.) But locking it up isn't enough sometimes and warnings are needed as well. 

The fridge is also padlocked. I put the white paper over some of the window portions. Out of sight, out of mind. Things like protein bars, cereal, crackers, rice cakes, popcorn and small snack things will be too tempting if he can see them. He would pull at the cabinet until he could squeeze his hand in and tear out anything he could get through the hole. So, I leave out a high protein snack with fruit. Hey,  I have to believe this isn't forever. But for now, it's what works.

Binge Eating

Huggin It Out!

Never underestimate the simple act of a hug. Sometimes just the quiet, intimate press of one body against another can bring even the worst anxiety to a screeching halt. It's a reminder that communally we are stronger, lending our empathy to the weak and drawing comfort in their relief. In my house, we are huggers and snugglers, it is not unusual to find us in a pretzel formation on the couch or stacked on top of each other on the carpet. Comfort in touch, we need it. Another anxiety buster is mindful breathing. It can help to distract/turn down the volume in your head. Alex and I both suffer from 'racing brain' and can generate terrible scenarios full of death and dismemberment if given a few minutes to idly think. I have been suggesting this technique over the past few days. I physically took his hands and had him close his eyes and we breathed together. Paying attention to how it 'feels' to breath in and imagining the anxiety 'molecules' being expelled on the exhale. After about 5 minutes of this, anxiety went from a 8 to a 2. I think he was surprised that it ACTUALLY WORKED. Hey! I'm not full of shit after all ! Ha!

Mindful Breathing

The word transgender, I have found in my limited experience so far, has many negative connotations. The general public regards the word to be synonymous with things like 'pervert', 'pedophile', 'freak' and 'criminal'. I don't know what it is but especially for my age bracket. It's sad and hysterical at the same time. This is the mental picture most people have when told someone is transgender.

RuPaul,Tootsie, Klinger, Tom Hanks and Peter Scolari.

RuPaul is a drag queen, not transgender at all. He identifies as a gay man. Jaime Farr is a straight, married man in real life.  He dressed up in women's clothing during the war ( on the tv show MASH) hoping that they would send him home for being a cross dresser. Dustin Hoffman is a straight, married man as well. His character dressed as a woman in the movie Tootsie because he couldn't get a job as a man. Finally, Tom Hanks and Peter Scolari, have never identified as anything but straight men. In the tv series Bosom Buddies, they dressed as women to be able to live in a cheap hotel for only women. All five men, as far as I know, are good people with fairly normal lives. How we dress should never be the indicator for what gender we identify as, looks can surely be deceiving. 

Gender is the binary we as a society use to categorize someone as either MALE or FEMALE. It's supposed to match your genitals, right? Supposed to.....that is the key.  Things like prenatal hormone levels can definitely throw a monkey wrench into that scenario. In the simplest terms, the wiring and the plumbing develop at different stages of development. In our case, the plumbing was girl but the testosterone levels changed the wiring. It isn't JUST the hormones either. It's genes and environment as well. The perfect storm of 'just enough' of this and a 'smidgen' of that. You have to love the human body. I'll get more in depth with this topic in the future. 

Down the rabbit hole

It's been a difficult week. 

School had a 2 hour delay on Friday. Alex only had to make it through 5 hours of classes. He texted me at lunchtime, wanting to come home. I could have dropped everything and picked him up, but I didn't. Rescuing him every time he has a bit of anxiety is not doing him any favors. I opted to offer some suggestions on how to get through it and, ultimately, he made it until dismissal. But something has been off. I can feel it. He's depressed and isolating. This makes me nervous.
Last night, after a particularly bad day, he admitted to taking a bunch of OTC meds. His suicidal ideation is back. Luckily there is nothing in the house that has the ability to do significant damage. We are back to locking everything up again. I searched his room and put him to bed. All I can do today is keep him super close and stay positive. I keep reminding myself that this is a disease and he doesn't have control over it sometimes. It's chemical. So, today I will text both of his docs and see what we have to do to get him back on track. I'm wondering if the meds he has been taking need to be increased because of recent weight gain. Maybe we need to add an additional med. The path isn't clear.

Sunday 10:24
It's been a day of havoc. Alex texted his primary doc but she really wasn't much help. I don't know that there is anything that ANYONE can do when he falls down a hole like this. Cycling between crying and dragging through the house with that look of despair on his face. It kills me. I don't think he will be able to make it through a day of school like this. I hate keeping him home but I may try and get him in to see one of his docs tomorrow. They want him in the hospital and I refuse. One time was enough to teach me that lesson. The hospital does nothing but temporarily keep this child locked up, in absolute awful conditions, with other children who are suffering from the same OR WORSE conditions. I'd rather lock everything in the house up and keep eyes on him 24 hours a day. I refuse to let the system make him just another fucking number. 
It's going to be a long night. He's up and watching tv so I guess I am too. The padlocks are on the meds, the sharps and most of the food. I searched every room for anything that could be used for self harm and locked that up too. Gave him a vitamin and told him to drink a whole lot of water. If I knew how to fix this, I would. I hate this helpless feeling.

Suicidal Ideation

Borderline Personality Disorder

Suicide In Teens Overview